Why I Turned Down Every BFA Musical Theatre Offer

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had stars in my eyes.

My mom put me in theatre when I was seven because I had a rapid imagination, and constantly made up stories. She figured, “hey might as well give her a hobby.”

Well, jokes on her because over a decade later, I’m still here. Just not exactly in the way anyone expected.

But we’ll get to that later.

For now, let’s flash back to my senior year of high school. I wanted a BFA MT degree. I would settle for nothing other than a BFA MT degree.

I had been working my entire life for this.

I was in voice lessons every week, dance classes twice a week, acting classes, shows, tears, and a thousand other ways preparing me for this moment.

I wanted this degree. I knew I had to get this degree. I was determined.

So I did what the internet suggested and I went to a coaching company. They insisted that I apply to a variety of schools so I reluctantly added some BFA acting and BA theatre programs to my list. I really only did it to appease my mom at the time because I was so obviously an MT kid. I couldn’t imagine myself doing literally anything else.

Then came the prep.

Amongst the singing, dancing, and acting preparation, I also did interview preparation, and the question, “Why do you want this?” kept coming up over and over again.

The answer was the same, “I want to do theatre to tell stories.”

So I high kicked my face off into those stories.

Then came auditions.

I auditioned early, I wanted results as fast as possible. I auditioned for my first BFA MT and I was in by October. It felt like a huge weight off my chest during the rest of the season because I could just relax.

I could stay calm. I could breathe.

Spoiler alert: I was doing none of those things.

My college audition process was genuinely awful. That’s not the fault of any of the universities I auditioned for or any of the amazing people I met along the way. I just felt wrong the entire time. Like no matter how hard I worked or no matter how many acceptances I had, I was miserable. I was in theatre to tell stories and I felt as if I was being forced into this mold of being this perfect ideal performer.

I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like a shell.

I told everyone I was “living the dream” and “doing what I love” but in reality, I would cry myself to sleep every single night.

I felt broken. Why wasn’t the art form I loved making me happy anymore? Maybe I just wasn’t good enough? Maybe I wasn’t meant for this? I would snap those thoughts aside with positive affirmations because I knew I was good, I just wasn’t happy.

I was going through the motions.

But I kept going with a smile on my face and my robotic, yet enthusiastic “Hi, I’m Jessica Balick Goodman” introduction at every audition.

Then February hit, two auditions to go. I walked into my JMU MT audition and it felt like another experience of “going through the motions” but then, I walked downstairs. I sat down across from a girl eating fries and checking people in for JMU’s theatre auditions. I smiled at her and took in my surroundings. I heard someone talking about “Columbinus.” I perked up. One of my monologues was from that show. I waved him over. The guy was a junior theatre major. He was directing the show later in the school year.

He was the first student I talked to at any school where I didn’t feel like I was putting on anything. We were two artists talking about art. It was nice.

Then it was time for my theatre audition. I didn’t feel robotic. I just worked and got to work. The professors cared about what I had to say. I got to talk about why I loved theatre and how this art form meant everything.

I said the same words I always said, “ I want to do theatre to tell stories” except this time I felt seen. I felt like they understood. The second I left that audition I felt at peace.

But I knew I couldn’t get attached so I went back to my “totally convincing” I hate JMU act.

Then the decision time came. I was ready to just go to a BFA MT program. I had a pretty good scholarship at one school and I could finish school early. It made sense. Everything about it made sense.

But I wasn’t happy.

I still hadn’t heard from JMU. I just wanted to commit to this other school. My mom reminded me about JMU and I said “Nah I didn’t get in if you care so much you check it.”

So my mom checked my portal and I got into theatre.

I was happy for the first time in my entire senior year, I felt happy.

Nothing about JMU fit my plan. Nothing about JMU was “right” but I knew it made me happy. I had to trust that.

So I did.

I committed to JMU that day.

It was the idea that I could finally be happy. That’s what I knew I wanted and that’s what I chose to find at JMU. Of course, it wasn’t always that easy, the summer leading up, I kept questioning my choice. But I did it anyway. I’m glad I did because remember how I wanted to do theatre to tell stories. Yeah newsflash, I wanted to write them. So now I’m a playwright/dramaturg/future intimacy choreographer and overall a human who wants to create new art. I let go of the idea that being an actor was the only way to be in this industry. I knew I had to follow what made me happy. JMU has allowed me to do that.

If I could give one piece of advice to my high school self I would tell her that she doesn’t need to follow everyone else and to always trust what you feel.

After all, theatre for me is about telling stories and I hope you enjoyed part of mine.

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Jessica Balick Goodman (She/They) is a sophomore theatre major with minors in creative writing and dance at James Madison University. Recent playwriting credits include, Follow Her Down (Produced by ReNew Productions), and Lifeline (Produced by One Egg No Batter Productions) Recent Dramaturgy Credits include, To Be Well By Julia Goldschmidt and Ruth by Tom Piccin. When she’s not doing Theatre Jess enjoys the company of her cat, Toad who most definitely did not delete half of Jess’ article by walking on her keyboard.

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